A paragraph evolves
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Sept 14 2025
First draft:
Poor Wencastle. Both parents despatched while he was still in brown feathers—one hit by a car, the other trying to help. He rarely spoke about it, but when the mizzle set in, he got that far-off look. Remembering.
Possible problems:
Despatched (pov not gullish)
Still in brown feathers (dull)
Hit by a car (telling not showing)
trying to help (not gullish)
rarely spoke (narrator intrusion)
Set in (dull)
Far-off look (okay but a young gull… "far-off in the eyes" just sounds more believable").
Went (is there a better verb?) answer, no (tried flapped and flew).
Second draft:
Wencastle. Parents mashed while he mithered over his empty belly: one pecking roadkill, the other flapping useless over her. He never jabbered about it. But when the mizzle pressed—sky or spirit—he went far-off in the eyes.
Third draft:
Wencastle. Parents mashed: one pecking roadkill, the other flapping useless over her. He never jabbered about it. But when the mizzle pressed—sky or spirit—he went far-off in the eyes.